Friday, October 1, 2010

To see beyond loneliness

When I was a kid, I used to spend some good 3-4 hours alone at home everyday. My mother used to be a teacher in a morning school and my father a regular office goer. My mother used to be back by noon. I used to be alone at home for the entire morning and I used to love it.
My parents were neither too strict nor too protective. (And I always had a very loving family). But still I used to love the freedom of being alone. The freedom of being idle, the freedom of spending time with myself. Once, I started understanding the concept of "boredom", I felt that I got bored also - at least at times and to some extent. But still I used to look forward to those 3-4 hours when I used to be alone.

Later on I discovered what I used to enjoy was the "space". I found that this "space" is very different from "being lonely" - "this space" is enjoyable but "that loneliness" is perhaps much more than just enjoyable.

I have seen many loners almost having an obsessive craving for cleanliness. I know somebody whose "passion" for "keeping things in place" almost makes him despise guests who get big carry bags. There are many loners who feel cooking is a way of survival. They need to cook even while people around them are fatally unwell. Some have obsessions about fragrances - from bathroom to bed everything should smell nice. Probably most loners develop some habits that keep them reminding about their senses. Thats the world they create and everyday they work towards making that world better.

Loneliness mostly arrives in our unaware moments. It comes in different packages - a melancholic evening when you are alone at home, with a feeling of nostalgia while visiting your hometown, on an idle afternoon sitting in the balcony, while walking on a crowded street for long, or when you are on a long bus or train journey. These loneliness sometimes are more like “temporary luxuries” that life provided for some of us.

Some loneliness are more difficult as they bring along pain. The pain of not being able to relate to the crowd, the pain of re-discovering ourselves, the pain of making us believe that we are still the “same”. But it becomes more painful as we, atleast for sometime, live in constant denial of that loneliness.

Once we accept it a new door opens. This door, welcomes you with a strange light. Once you enter the light almost blinds you. When you are able to see again, you look around to see the magnificient landscape. And you feel there are hidden adventures, secret treasures everywhere around you.

We often make loneliness an enemy by fighting it, often curse it. That’s because we stand in front of the door and keep wondering and guessing about the strange light. One brave step and a whole new world opens up with all its brilliance. It’s the endless “space”, its boundless freedom. You can become a kid again. Its something as wonderful as a kaleidoscope. You wouldn’t know the brilliance of lights and patterns inside, till you put your eye to it.

Loneliness is as natural as the cosmos. Just as you cant run away or fight against the cosmos, you cant run from loneliness. You can only enjoy cosmos by becoming a part of it, by keeping all your senses open to it. Its sure to surprise you with innumerable realizations…and ofcourse pleasures.