People sometimes tell me that I have changed. But all I actually did was that I simply adapted- something like "survival of the fittest". Dinosaurs reduced its size, giraffe grew its neck, camel grew its hump, I grew another "self". This "self" which saves me from becoming insane to myself. No matter how "mad" I might seem to the world around me, in my own world I am the sanest. And the best part is that I am so sane to myself that I don't need any social confirmation.
Well this entire change ofcourse did happen over a period of time. Its like a very slow process. I can actually draw a flow chart which probably would start with anger, then pain, then fragmentation, then re-organisation. Other than the re-organisation part every thing was quite involuntary. It was during re-organisation probably that I became conscious. Conscious of the fact that my "self" cannot really go back to its earlier form. In order to rescue my "endangered self" I had to numb a lot many things. And I did. I numbed my so-called "foolish" romanticism, I numbed my dreamy existence, I numbed my effortless instinctive inclination towards "being passionate". I didnt hurt them. I just gave them strong sedatives so that they can go to sleep forever...and now they sleep in peace. And this worked. I survived in a very sane way.
But life is funny at times now and it makes me laugh. People from the past just reappear to tell me its a pity that I have changed. All I want to them is that - "Excuse me!! Have you heard about something called adaptation." There is no bitterness about life that I have. I love life. But only thing that pisses me off is this entire gimmick that people put up by saying "its sad to see you changed". I just want to say - "Hello, its my very own survival strategy...my creation. I give credits to myself for this. You better respect it. If you cant, then you need more study on evolution".
Now I dont dream like I used to. But I still dream. My dreams are now completely in sync with my realities. And I am happy that I could do it. I am happy that my sane self does not compromise. My sane self does not "strive to be happy"; it just remains honest.
MY DREAMY SELF
The other day somebody asked me about my dreams. I had to reply with a lot of difficulty. I realized somewhere inconsciously I have probably stopped dreaming. Or probably many of my dreams are dead and buried. I started replying in very short sentences. Like "I want to be financially independent" and "I want somebody's company for a lifetime". Very regular and expected answers. Then I tried concentrating and thought about it. My dreams...
Probably I dream of creating "magic moments" in my life. I believe its these "magic moments" which make us fall in love with life, these moments are like energy pills that keep us energised for sometime. Then these moments are lost in time and we wait for some more to happen. But there are few clauses about these moments. its generally limited to only few people. It really does not happen spontaneously with everyone. And mostly its one at a time. Otherwise, there is no "pure magic" happening.
Then as its true for all other kinds of magic, the magic in a relationship is subject to the situation. For example, too much distance or too much closeness might spoil the magic. Also, since magic is not very material, trying to give it a very material form mostly makes the magic disappear. I wonder how many married couples really have magical moments. Most of the married people I know are no more looking for magic in their conjugal relationship. Moreover, this magic is created between two individuals. Too many participants can spoil the show!
This magic happens generally when there are no "adjustments" and "compromises" with the "self". Two individuals create a magic with their honest "self"s. Later on, if any one "self" gets tampered the magic leaves.
Also there is this entire thing about space. Magic is created in space. So, in order to make the magic happen there needs to be some space for that magic to happen. Magic just cant happen for 24X7. Moreover, there needs to be some mysteries and secrets getting nurtured somewhere in the relationship. Otherwise, monotony wins over all magics. Most married people atleast do complain about boredom if not about something else after few years of marriage. Then they require other ingredients to make the relationship more meaningful. Because magic is no more working. Then they have vacations and children together. The magic hardly returns. Children are magical by themselves but hardly any contribution to the magic in the relationship. Then each his or her own magical world with friends, clubs, shopping, addiction, work and sometimes with someone else. They try creating magical moments again in their life.
Essentially, most of us feel the need for some magic or the other in our lives. And I want it too. Only that I probably think little differently. But the need is the same.
Hence, today I dream of having my own space and also magic moments. Difficult yes. But atleast its defined. And its easy. Only the other person needs to think like I do. Thats the difficult part. The rest is simple. A house with two rooms. We can stay together and yet enjoy our own space. We will just need to respect each other's space. And the magic is already there. Its not about "shutting doors". Its not about opening up for newer magic. Thats all. In my mind its all very honest and simple.
I dont want to change anybody and nobody should want to change me. One person might want to keep things around him organised and the other person might not. One person might be in a habit of reading at night and the other person might just want to watch television. So, what happens then?
These personal habits become integral part of one's existence. Two people have different habits, tastes, preferences. And they have these for years. So, do we compromise on these? Or do we compromise on the magic? But actually there is no need to compromise on either. Its just a matter of understanding and valuing each of these. And then there are more chances of retaining the magic in a relationship or creating new magic around us. This is my dream. Is there any fellow dreamers?