Thursday, February 10, 2011

In this zombieness

I go to office and I come home. And in this continuous repetitive action, I feel I have become so much like a zombie. For 8-9 hours everyday, I am surrounded by many other zombies - both living and non-living. I end up spending most of my time with a demonic machine called computer, trying to exchange thoughts. And in my effort to interact with this machine, I feel my ability to interact with humans has lessened incredibly.

I dont know how many times I have actually thought about it...but at times it bothers me. Cant remember when it started happening, what were the initial syndromes, what were the causes... But I can see the result. It grows in me everyday. This thing which I have recently detected in me, but I realise that it has already spread its deep root inside me.

This thing inside me which I call "zombieness"....

Sometimes it feels like a disease which I am suffering from. This disease which kills emotions inside me. It kills at a drastical rate and relentlessly. And I can feel the damage.

Like I can remember crying for hours over a heart break. But that was years back. Now it just does not happen. Sometimes my eyes do get moist or I shed a drop or two of tears. But I dont weep. Or when I do its more out of a need for catharsis. Lot of things pile up - stress, loneliness, neglect. And probably only sometimes in the privacy of bathroom or a cab ride, I cry. But there is hardly any sense of acute pain. Only a feeling of barrenness, a void inside.

Sometimes I feel its like a comfortable habit...this sense of zombieness. I have got used to it so much that I dont even feel the need to recover. It has made me form my own shell. And once inside, a lot of things do not bother me anymore.

When I get home these days there is hardly any exchange of words with anybody. Its not that I am not conscious of the warmth that presence of family gives me. But I feel my shell too around me all the time. Not that I am so immersed in my world that I am oblivious of everything else. I dont even have a feeling of my own world. There is this dearth of passion in most of my actions. Sometimes I feel I have become like that PC in my office, dynamic but yet so mechanic.

But this zombieness is not always that bad. At times it saves me from expecting. It also saves me from anger. Something snaps inside me at the right moment and stops me from getting angry or even expect. Then I am left with just a feeling of detachment.

Not that I have no reason to get angry. Rather I have so many that I fear they might just drive me to insanity. So, the shell helps, zombieness helps. I can just cut the cord inside me and set myself free. This freedom which is the essence of my whole existence today makes me write my mind. It gives me the courage to live my life on my own terms, it gives me the strength to fight my fears.

I dont believe in the concept of forgiving because I have never consciously done that. I have just forgotten. All the pain and bitterness, all the tears and tortures. And in the process I caught on to this zombieness. Not that it does not have any impact on my happiness. It has curbed my sense of happiness. I laugh and smile with honesty but I generally monitor my happiness, my involvements. I have this hard shell around me which no happiness, no pain, no anger can break. Inside that shell I am free, free from the world around.

But there is this feeling of nostalgia, this desire for a "return to innocence", which makes me hate my zombieness a bit. I wish I could know whether I love my zombieness or I dont. I sometimes wish I didnt have this sense of zombieness. I wish I could connect with my family and friends the way I used to some years back.

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